9. “I thought vegans were people who didn’t have sex.”
8. “Save gas, toot in a jar.” Our kids care about the economy.
7. When daughter #2 was still young enough to go in the men’s restroom with her daddy: “Ewwwwww dad, your peepee looks different than mine, why is it sticking out like that?” Officially old enough to go in the women’s bathroom alone.
6. “Mom, did you know you have a string hanging out of your butt?” I’m not explaining anything.
5. “Good is for freaks and suckers. Great is for people like me.” Charming, isn’t she?
4. Following mom’s goodbye kiss on the cheek: “I’m not wiping your kiss off mom, I’m just moving it down.”
3. After school special: “Mrs. Ferry got really mad today because Corey tried to shove a mini rubber ducky in Rashad’s ear.” God bless the teachers.
2. Kid: Mom, can I have a snack?
Me: Because we’re having dinner in 20 minutes.
Repeat 200 times, then:
Kid: Mom, can I have a snack?
Me: Because we’re having dinner in 19 minutes.
Kid: Mom, can I have an appetizer?
Me: (Sigh) Yes.
1. When daughter #2 was two years old:
Kid: Mom, can I have some of this?
Me: No honey, that’s for later.
Kid: Well that’s all f**ked up.
Would you believe me if I told you her dad was a sailor? I didn’t think so.
Your turn. I know you’ve got millions of them. Tell me what sh*t your kids have said. Extra points for public embarassment.