Little Miss Multiple Personalities

multiple personalities

I originally wrote this as a guest post for ScaryMommy.com. This child is now 13 and I still don’t know who I’m gonna get when she comes downstairs in the morning.

I have a tween. A girl – the most savage of all tweenkind. My goal is to survive. Not win, just survive. She is my first-born so I have no previous experience to help me, only a stash of vodka coupons and a therapist foolish enough to give me his home phone number. (Duct tape is an amazing motivator.)

When she turned 11 I thought, “I will be able to handle this. She’s only ONE little girl.” Now that she’s on the brink of 12, I realize she is not only one little girl. She is actually 7 different people ranging in age from 3 to 40. Let me introduce them.

The BFF
Age: 35-40
This woman goes with me to get manicures, chats over lattes at Starbuck’s (always my treat), and goes out of her way to listen to my problems and help in any way possible. The BFF doesn’t come around very often but when she does you can hear the angels singing from above.

The Sweetheart
Age: 6
This is the sweetest, dearest little girl you will ever meet. She loves to snuggle and give kisses. She will climb up on the couch next to you on any given night just to tell you how much she loves you. She comes around even less than the BFF.

The Devil’s Twin
Age: Unknown
This evil twin usually lurks around my house during late afternoon hours. She looks exactly like the BFF or the Sweetheart but when you speak to her burning acid shoots out of her mouth and does not stop until you flee the room, screaming profanities. Occasionally she rears her ugly head early in the morning so beware.

The Einstein/Miss Independent
Age: 11-20
This girl knows everything and can do everything herself. Everything. The easiest way to identify her is by her language. She only speaks two words, “I know.”

The Mature One
Age: 18-22
This is a young woman who knows how to handle herself. She tackles every chore with maturity. She does things without being asked. She engages in conversation with adults in a way that makes you consider admitting you are her parent. Unfortunately, sightings are rare.

The Baby
Age: 3-5
Often confused with the Drama Queen, this child believes every single, itty, bitty, teeny, weeny injury is a near-death experience. She once asked to go to the emergency room because she bent her hair.

The Drama Queen
Age: 10-20
This girl is very similar to the Baby. However, she does not need to be injured to believe the world is ending. She only needs to be breathing. No clean jeans to wear? End of world. Can’t find her hairbrush? End of world. It’s Tuesday and she wants it to be Wednesday? End of world. Please note, the Drama Queen can instantly transform into the Devil’s Twin without any warning or notice.

That is everybody living in my daughter’s body. At least for today. I will be sure to let you know if anyone new moves in when she reaches the ripe old age of 12. Lord help me.

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